It's past 2 am, and I should have been asleep a long time ago, but I just can't. I do this funny thing when I get sort of sad: I just stay up all night doing mindless things. That's how I know if I'm sad or not. If I'm up way past my bedtime, and just sort of listening to music or surfing the web, I figure something's wrong with me. Then I figure out what after that.
The reason I think it's funny is because those are the days that we want to put behind us. We want them to go away quickly, but here I am doing this thing where I just sort of elongate it. Instead of sleeping it off asap, I kind of stare into space for a while. And by space, I usually mean a computer screen.
I think this time I'm sad because of my abortion. This is the first time I've properly thought about it since the day itself.
It feels like it was someone else's thing, not mine. It feels like it was a lifetime ago, not a month.
I suppose I'm okay. I don't even really know why I'm sad.
It was just a hard time, at the time, you know?
The baby daddy, the boy- you remember him. He's off in Europe somewhere now, but he messaged me the other day asking me how I am. I wonder why. I kind of hate when he asks me that, because I know that he doesn't have the time or energy to listen to the real answer. My real answer wouldn't be a yes or a no, it would be that I felt fantastic, but I carried the ghost of our experience with me. And nobody passing by to say hello wants to hear anything other than a "great, you?".
So I didn't answer that question. I just asked something back instead.
He shouldn't message me though. I wish he wouldn't. I hope he doesn't. We went through too much. I don't want to talk about it, and I don't need to be reminded of it. He's gone. I wish he'd just fade into the European sunset.
No comments:
Post a Comment