I've been through a lot in this life. I'm not saying that as something to be proud of. Actually, maybe I am. I am proud of myself for getting through hell and high waters. Is that the expression? Hope so. But that's not the point. I've been through a lot, but nothing like this.
It was the strangest experience, and it's been so hard placing my emotions, which has made it harder.
I don't know.
So I told you about finding out I was pregnant. At the time, I didn't think it was a huge deal. I think I was even happy about it. I don't know why. Maybe because I've always had this fear that I couldn't bear children. Maybe because I have some issues. I'm not sure. But it was surreal and not awful.
I woke up balling my eyes out. The next day, I mean. I think I was thinking "I can feel her." Im not sure what I meant. I think I meant that I could feel that I was pregnant. I went to my school's walk-in clinic, and the receptionist looked like she wanted to jump over the desk and hug me when I told her why I was there. I'm in my last year of university, by the way. I graduate in May. They couldn't really help though, so I went to a... clinic. I was going to call it a termination clinic, but I don't like that term. It's a women's clinic first and foremost. Anyway, I thought I could just walk in and ask for an abortion pill. I could have the medical abortion right then. 2 weeks pregnant, but 1 day aware, and the nightmare would be over before it started.
They wouldn't let me do that. Their policy is 6 weeks. An ultrasound at 6 weeks to see if there is a viable embryo then options. No doctor until then. The clinic was strictly a termination clinic. I was crying before the secretary finished explaining it all.
I went to see the guy who did this to me. That's what it felt like at the time- a guy doing something to me. We were not on great terms anyway. He was a bartender, and I was a server at the local pub. Our relationship was a casual one. Very college. Very "we're-young-and-good-looking-and-just-having-fun." And he is good-looking, bright and "nice," but he has one of those painfully common names. It had gone on for a few months, whatever we were doing, but he ended it the week before all this- at a staff party, no less. Needless to say, he didn't handle it very well, and I suppose I was sort of hurt.
Anyway, we met at the coffee shop, and I sort of cried or something. He'd hug me, but it was one of those awful hugs that come from people that feel like they should be hugging you, Ya know? Like hugging you for you, not for them. Lots of hugs happen that way, but they don't FEEL like they're happening tht way. I don't know. I like hugs, but I hated these ones. I wanted to be one of those people that could handle it by myself- one of those people that don't "need" anyone. I suppose I'm not though, because I asked him to be there for me. He wanted to help. He's one of those guys that thinks he's hella nice, so of course he wanted to help.
Turns out that meant texting me "hey, how's it going?" every so often. At first I thought it was really sweet, because he was texting quite often. I'd answer good or okay or something, because how else are you supposed to answer a text like that? But I wasnt okay. I was severely depressed and utterly confused.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I wanted to tell everyone, but I couldn't tell anyone. It was all I could think about, and people around me were doing all these normal things, and speaking to me, and I wished I could just tell them so that they could stop talking to me and asking me to be a part of normal life. But it's the most deeply personal thing that had ever happened to me. The most deeply personal thing that everyone should, but cant know about. I remember getting ready one Friday night then just curling up in bed and crying until I fell asleep. That was my life. Lots of crying. Lots of staring at the wall. Lots of loneliness. So much loneliness. So isolated from everyone- because how could anyone possibly understand? And then there's nausea, severe exhaustion and hot flashes. The physical symptoms hit me pretty early on, and they were completely debilitating. I really felt like I couldn't do it. I was counting down the days until that 6 week mark ultrasound.
I implied to that guy that I didn't want to text how I feel. So we met at a coffee shop. He listened to me be depressed or something- I don't really remember. When I was done though, he asked me when I was working that week. He'd do that. Some sort of awkward small talk thing that made you regret the whole thing in the first place. I hated it, so I did it back. I asked him how girls were treating him. He told me he was seeing someone. While he was talking, I realized that he hooked up with her a few hours after he knocked me up. A few days before he ended it with me, he already had a girlfriend.
By the way, that's where post 100 came from. This guys moving to Europe next semester, and now he has a girlfriend or whatever the hell. What an idiot. Anyway, all that together was too much. I was so hurt, I was numb. That means I'm in too much pain to deal with- it's only happened once before. After that, I blocked his number and ignored him. I couldn't be more mature than that. His sight made me sick to my stomach. He was sorry, naturally. "Nice guys" are always sorry, eh?
Anyway my iPhone must be faulty because I'd get his messages anyway. Finally, I answered back. I said something along the lines of "fuck you and your half-ass messages." But in more words, so less harsh. He sent a pretty thorough apology. He even offered to get me food or let me punch him or stuff. I didn't really need someone to get me groceries. I needed support, but he meant well, so he became involved again.
I went to a counsellor before the ultrasound date. I wasn't sure why at first but I went anyway. I
Suppose I was trying to figure out why I was so damn depressed. She spoke a lot about women having a moral dilemma or feeling like it's the end of the world. I couldn't relate. It wasn't the end of the world, and I've always been pro-choice. I started crying, and the counsellor was shocked. Don't know why- Of course I was going to cry at some point. I realized why I was so depressed as she spoke. I wanted this baby so badly. I couldn't have it. I have dreams and goals. I'm too young, bla bla, there was no way. Yet there it was. A maternal instinct beyond logic,
We went to the ultrasound together. There was a heartbeat. That's what the lady told us. I don't know why she'd tell us that. We walked back to campus after the appointment, and I cried when he left.
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