I want to tell you about the abortion now. It was a few days ago. Today is Sunday. No, Monday. Okay, so it was... 4 days ago. It was four days ago.
I actually had lots of choices for who I could take with me. The clinic allowed me one relative/friend. The boy really wanted to come, but he had an exam in the afternoon, so I insisted that he shouldn't. A few good friends wanted to come. All of them would have to leave just before the ordeal was over (for exams), so I asked my sister. I didn't want it to be her, to be honest. We are close, but we fight a lot. She had said to me, a week prior, that I should "chill out for a while." We were talking about my pregnancy, and she meant sexually. It was the most irrelevant and offensive thing anyone has ever said to me, when context is taken into account. I told her that, hung up, and ignored her for hours. She apologized repeatedly, and I accepted the apology, but it never felt right that she should be my accompaniment.
To be honest, I wanted the boy to come. I still don't completely understand why. I've never even liked him all that much. As soon as I was pregnant though, he was the only boy I cared about. I stopped talking to other guys - really unlike me- and kind of paused some other relationships I had. I craved only his support.
So we get to the hospital at about 9am, and as we are waiting in the clinic, we do some reading. I comment out loud about how the brochure says I can get pregnant again in two weeks. She makes another comment about "chilling out" for a while, and that was the end of any sense of trust or understanding that I have ever felt with her.
I go into the doctor's office by myself. I no longer wanted her to be there. They spoke about birth control options- the furthest thing on my mind at the time. They were all so nice- the nurse and the doctors. They gave me two pills - a gravol and some other pill to dilate my cervix. Then I was allowed to leave for an hour.
I went home, by myself. The boy came over. We laid down in my bed. I kind of just laid on him, and he had his arm around me. We talked about the whole thing, and then about a lot of random stuff. It was really nice. He stopped doing that stranger thing, and I couldn't have been more grateful.
When my hour was up, I went back to the hospital. They gave me lots of pills: morphine, antibiotics, whatever else. I got in a hospital wardrobe, and then into the hospital bed. I was supposed to fall asleep, but I spent a long time just being drowsy. It was nice though- I felt comfortable and taken care of. A part of me thinks I could have stayed in that state all day if they let me.
They woke me up a few hours later. My sister came to the bedside. I didn't ask her too, but I was too drowsy to resist it. She should be there anyway. Even considering that stupid comment.
They took me to the exam room again. I put my legs up. Usually that's awkward or something, but it wasn't that day. They'd wrap each of my legs in thick blankets before they asked me to put them up. So I was quite warm and covered, ironically enough. They gave me a mask for laughing gas. I'm not actually sure if that helped, but who knows.
Text message from my server friend. Wants to go to dinner. I'll be ready soon. I should tell her that.
So anyway, legs up. Then they started doing things. One thing going in me after another. I don't think it actually was painful, looking back. Probably mostly just weird. But at the time, I didn't like it, and I wanted it to end. I was quite upset actually. I just wanted it to end. Then the suction vacuum thing. It's a funny thing. I knew there'd be a suction, vacuum part, but I didn't really realize what that meant. That meant a few minutes of sucking my uterine lining out. Literally just a few minutes of feeling your insides get sucked out. In hindsight, that wasn't particularly painful or anything either. But again, I remember thinking it was awful and just wanted it to stop.
Oh, and my sister was there the whole time. She held my shoulder. I think she thought it helped. I suppose it did.
The whole thing was over in no time at all. They told me I did great. I don't really know what that means. I was crying a little bit, I think. and I just asked, "did it go okay?" THe crazy thing is that what I was actually about to ask was, "Is she okay?" As if they gently removed my embryo, and let it rest somewhere else. I stopped myself though, and just asked if everything went okay. It did. No complications. It was quite smooth. And I knew that.
After all that, they put me back in bed. They gave me a snack: english muffin with butter and orange juice. It was the greatest snack I have ever had. They let me lay for a while, and then they said I could go. I kind of wanted to stay again.
My sister and I went to a restaurant on the way home. I realized part-way that I was too drowsy, so I skipped out on eating, and slept for hours.
When the drugs and tiredness and everything wore off, I was really happy to be just me.
The only really negative feeling I have had since the thing was when the boy and I said our last words to each other. Sweet nothings. And I knew I wouldn't talk to him again. I was sad after that, but I blame it mostly on the hormones and just sharing an experience. Not real feelings towards him. Not feelings he deserves, anyway. Other that that, I was essentially myself right away. Not depressed anymore, not isolated anymore, and not confused anymore. I'm pretty sexual, to be honest, and even that came back right away. No sex for two weeks after the procedure. Four days has already been tough. I've already met a few new guys, and I went on a date with that guy I was seeing before.
I'm different though, of course, but grateful that I can still recognize myself. I genuinely didn't think I'd ever feel like myself again. I'm also really shocked that my grieving period wasn't as intense as I expected. I have to say that I loved that embryo, and I still do, but I couldn't do it. Not physically, not emotionally. And I'm just grateful that I have life back. It turns out that the abortion was a really comfortable experience- it was the right thing for me. To be honest, it was the cure, with the pregnancy being this parasitic disease. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel if I'm being honest.
I've been reading about a lot of other people's stories though, and if this is something you're interested in, I definitely recommend www.afterabortion.com. Aside from stories, it has lots of supportive resources and helpful tips.
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