My sister once
asked me how I was so sure he liked me, that guy that I was seeing at the time.
I told her that I just knew because liking him didn’t hurt. Liking you hurts.
My chest hurts often. That’s what it was initially like with my ex too. An
emotional rollercoaster, I used to call it. Once I was his girlfriend, I’d look
back at it all and laugh at myself, “Oh,
I was so silly, and I had gotten it so wrong.”
Well, looking back now, I don’t think I did have
it wrong. Sure he was to fall in love with me, but it was going to be a messy four
years filled with heartbreak and hurt. He loved me, he’d say, but I never
really believed him. You like me, you say, and I can’t bring myself to believe
you either. Maybe there’s something fundamentally wrong about these
partnerships. Maybe you are both telling the truth, and I just need affection
and understanding beyond what either of you could offer. I’m sorry I’m putting
you in the same box as an ex, because I would hate if you did that to me, but
part of me thinks you put yourself there. Thinking about it now, it’s not that
I don’t believe that he loved me or that you like me. What I could never
believe was that he loved me as much as I loved him and that you like me as
much as I like you.
I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not rooting for us. I
want to get out, and I’ve wanted to get out since the very beginning. I fell
for you and feared what would happen with you all at once, and never
separately. I’ve brought it up on so many occasions. The earliest time I can
remember was when you came to visit me in January. I told you I wanted to fall
in love, and wondered if that was really what you were looking for – having
recently gotten out of a relationship. You said it was. I’ve brought us up so
many times, because I just want to get the hell out of this sooner rather than
later – but you never let me. Why then am I alone in feeling so heavily
invested? You’re ability to push me back to arm’s length when I get too close
is frightening if not cowardly.
What bothers me most about falling in love with
you is the parallel with being in love with my ex. The difference being that I
wasn’t strong enough to walk away from him at the time. I knew I should, but I
couldn’t. This time, I am strong enough to walk away, and I’m just waiting for
you to give me a reason to do it. Every time I doubt you, you talk it all
better, but I need you to not do that.
I need you to look beyond your feelings,
because truthfully, there is no room for me in your life. Not because you’re
busy beyond reason or distant beyond repair, but because you won’t make room for me.
