Everyone's Dating Everyone

It seems that you can't swing your right fist without hitting a tinder douchebag that has already asked out yourself and two of your closest friends. I know I used to be one of those people, but I'm so sick of it. Everyone dating everyone. Commitment as antiquated as Nintendo 64 or the home phone line. Your next date a right swipe away.

Is this modern love?

No, this is modern bullshit.

Dating today is bullshit. It completely favours guys. You're not allowed to ask for commitment; you're not supposed to ask for exclusivity and you definitely don't want to look like you care. This is not a deal most girls would choose to sign up for. We do get emotional, attached. We do care. We do want some level of commitment.

I know I'm technically being hypocritical. I'm the tinder girl you went out with yesterday, that has a date with someone else tonight. And to be fair, I'm not looking for a long-term commitment. But I don't want this. I want someone to commit to the now with me. Why can't we do that for each other? Really pay attention to the person in front of you. Invest a little something. Wait a day for a text instead of swiping again. Go on a few dates without going on a date w/ a newbie in between. It makes me sort of sad to see everyone around me going on a first, or second, date all the time. It's just sort of sad, you know?

Dear Ginger

My sister once asked me how I was so sure he liked me, that guy that I was seeing at the time. I told her that I just knew because liking him didn’t hurt. Liking you hurts. My chest hurts often. That’s what it was initially like with my ex too. An emotional rollercoaster, I used to call it. Once I was his girlfriend, I’d look back at it all and laugh at myself, “Oh, I was so silly, and I had gotten it so wrong.”  

Well, looking back now, I don’t think I did have it wrong. Sure he was to fall in love with me, but it was going to be a messy four years filled with heartbreak and hurt. He loved me, he’d say, but I never really believed him. You like me, you say, and I can’t bring myself to believe you either. Maybe there’s something fundamentally wrong about these partnerships. Maybe you are both telling the truth, and I just need affection and understanding beyond what either of you could offer. I’m sorry I’m putting you in the same box as an ex, because I would hate if you did that to me, but part of me thinks you put yourself there. Thinking about it now, it’s not that I don’t believe that he loved me or that you like me. What I could never believe was that he loved me as much as I loved him and that you like me as much as I like you. 

I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not rooting for us. I want to get out, and I’ve wanted to get out since the very beginning. I fell for you and feared what would happen with you all at once, and never separately. I’ve brought it up on so many occasions. The earliest time I can remember was when you came to visit me in January. I told you I wanted to fall in love, and wondered if that was really what you were looking for – having recently gotten out of a relationship. You said it was. I’ve brought us up so many times, because I just want to get the hell out of this sooner rather than later – but you never let me. Why then am I alone in feeling so heavily invested? You’re ability to push me back to arm’s length when I get too close is frightening if not cowardly. 

What bothers me most about falling in love with you is the parallel with being in love with my ex. The difference being that I wasn’t strong enough to walk away from him at the time. I knew I should, but I couldn’t. This time, I am strong enough to walk away, and I’m just waiting for you to give me a reason to do it. Every time I doubt you, you talk it all better, but I need you to not do that. 

I need you to look beyond your feelings, because truthfully, there is no room for me in your life. Not because you’re busy beyond reason or distant beyond repair, but because you won’t make room for me.

Prophecy: Heartbreak

Why am I so convinced he’s going to break my heart? I have no idea. But somehow the thoughts that I was going to fall in love with him and he was going to break my heart hit me at the same time right at the beginning. He’s currently in Dominican. I’m divided between hating him and loving him. It’s funny because I know where I actually stand. I love him. I miss him so much it hurts. And I can’t wait to have him back. Then I have the skeptical part, and that’s saying oh he’s being sketchy and it’s over. But honestly I don’t believe that part one bit. I honestly believe he didn’t respond to me b/c he’s busy, his signal is weak or he didn’t know I wanted a response. My messages were for his arrival so if he was opening them there, he might not have thought I expected messages back. Maybe he’s more patient than I am. Maybe he wants us to miss each other. Anyway, I don’t really believe he’s being sketchy. I did stop messaging him though.

Why do I love him? Isn’t he supposed to fall in love with me first? Ugh that reminds me. How did this happen to me? Where did he come from and why is this happening to me?

Why would he pursue me long distance when he doesn’t want a girlfriend, esp a long distance one? What is he thinking. He’s the one who liked me- he should have known better.  I didn’t think anything was coming of any of this- of course I took him up on his free meals and drinks.

What is happening to me. Is this love? This fucking sucks.  

lallala i think i'm high

So I'm incredibly sick. With what? I do not know. I feel high though. I don't know if it's the tylenol, the benylin or the fever, but I feel quite loopy.

Loopy loops.

Where is my brofriend at?!

DId I update you about my ginger fellow? well we went on a date number 4 where i met all his friendsZs. Slept over. Then I had to come back to my university town. We'd talk on the phone and stuff until he finally came to visit last weekend.

It was my first time seeing him since the holidays and it was great. I'm crazy about him. And he knows it. And he likes me too.

Oh and I call him my brofriend now haha because he's not officially my boyfriend, but he's like my boy thing friend.

I just have a feeling he's going to break my heart. I'm being monogamous and everything. I'm being good. I can't bring myself to humour other guys, because I just dont want to. And he's gonna break my heart. Wow. What a jerk.

lawl.

SoC #89 Alone With my Sleepless Thoughts

It's past 2 am, and I should have been asleep a long time ago, but I just can't. I do this funny thing when I get sort of sad: I just stay up all night doing mindless things. That's how I know if I'm sad or not. If I'm up way past my bedtime, and just sort of listening to music or surfing the web, I figure something's wrong with me. Then I figure out what after that.

The reason I think it's funny is because those are the days that we want to put behind us. We want them to go away quickly, but here I am doing this thing where I just sort of elongate it. Instead of sleeping it off asap, I kind of stare into space for a while. And by space, I usually mean a computer screen.

I think this time I'm sad because of my abortion. This is the first time I've properly thought about it since the day itself.

It feels like it was someone else's thing, not mine. It feels like it was a lifetime ago, not a month.

I suppose I'm okay. I don't even really know why I'm sad.

It was just a hard time, at the time, you know?

The baby daddy, the boy- you remember him. He's off in Europe somewhere now, but he messaged me the other day asking me how I am. I wonder why. I kind of hate when he asks me that, because I know that he doesn't have the time or energy to listen to the real answer. My real answer wouldn't be a yes or a no, it would be that I felt fantastic, but I carried the ghost of our experience with me. And nobody passing by to say hello wants to hear anything other than a "great, you?".

So I didn't answer that question. I just asked something back instead.

He shouldn't message me though. I wish he wouldn't. I hope he doesn't. We went through too much. I don't want to talk about it, and I don't need to be reminded of it. He's gone. I wish he'd just fade into the European sunset.

Soc #90 BDSM-like

I never quite understood BDSM. I can kind of get how it would heat up the situation, but I don't understand how it's heating it up in a good way. It's kind of like spicy foods. Sure you get a kick out of it, but it's a painful, awful kick that you could do without.

Well last night I went out with some friends. Prince, one of my friends, is crazy rich. He's also in fourth year at my school, but he's in the business program. The first time we ever met, two years ago, it was quite flirty and we kissed. I've made out with him a few times since then, but mostly we've become extremely platonic.

Last night though, at a toga party, he was being kind of flirty. We all went to get drunk food after the party, and him and I split a poutine. We left, and because he has the money, he wanted to take a cab despite the fact that we were only a few minutes away from the student housing area. I hopped in with him to get a ride to my place.

We got carried away talking so we were at his house before I could tell the driver that we were stopping at mine first. We spent an awkward few minutes in front of his house, deciding if we were going to need one stop or two. Finally, to make it easier, I told the cab driver that this stop was fine. He took that as a signal, I suppose, and reached for my hand. As he was paying, I was sort of biting the sleeves of my sweater, and thinking about what I had just done. We've become so platonic over the years that I didn't even understand how we got to that point that night.

We got out of the cab, and went to his room. I honestly felt incredibly awkward. I kept giggling and kinda cringing. He seemed fine though, and progressed the hook up forward. Clothes came off and we fooled around for a while. No sex. He didn't have a condom, and I was not about to tell him I was on a birth control method. Instead, I said, "it's okay, we're making poor decisions anyway."

Funny hookup though. He'd like spank me really hard occasionally. Or pin my arms down and make me kiss him. So I had to try to sit up while I was being pinned down. Just overall weird BDSM-like stuff. I thought it was interesting, but it's definitely not my thing. I'm sure he would have gotten as intense as I would allow.

Once it simmered down, we had a really fun night of cuddling and talking. That was great.

I need to sort of remind myself occasionally that I'm allowed to say no, and go home.

SoC #91 A Scandalous Affair

Last semester, I was hooking up with an Australian guy, Axel. He had the hot, careless Aussie thing going. He's an extremely indecisive human, which drove me crazy throughout the term, which is probably why I kept coming back. Even in one night, it felt like he couldn't decide if he wanted to be with me or not. He'd move from one extreme to another, from cuddling me and mumbling sweet nothings to getting out of bed and pretending I wasn't there.

Meanwhile, my evil housemate- let's call her Cruella- was casually hooking up with Axel's Scottish housemate, Jack. Well actually, they only hooked up a few times in September. It ended abruptly when she became obsessive. Quick example, she saw Jack making out with someone at a club, so she proceeded to ball her eyes out in front of him, punch a telephone poll, and wait outside his locked house for him to come home. Tip: do not make a scene and follow around your casual hookup. It creeps people out, and you will never live it down.

So Jack and Axel live together, and they are best friends. In fact, we only know them through their housemates, our guy friends, two of which subletted their rooms to foreign exchange students this year. It's the "social house" of our group of friends so we're all there all the time.

Now for Cruella and I. She used to be my best friend, briefly last year. Then I found out she was psychotic, malicious, jealous and insecure. Confronting her turned out to be the worst decision I had ever made- she went out of her way to make my life a living hell. Now, I let our relationship run on her terms. I know she's awful, but I've been living with her for so long that I'm at an equilibrium between caring about her and having no loyalty to her. She's been crazy for Jack all semester, so she uses me as a buffer to hang out with the guys more. I don't quite understand it, but as long as I'm useful to her, she's quite good to me. So I've been humouring her crazy, dead-end Jack obsession for five months.

Axel and my's thing, whatever it was, finally ended a few weeks ago. Remember I told you I was bummed so I hooked up with Tal on the friday before the holidays? It was because of Axel. On the Thursday night prior, Cruella, myself and the guys all went out.

I was #KillinIt. I wore a cute black dress and knee socks. It would have been no problem seducing Axel. Sometimes he needs seducing. (Aside: It's not my usual wheeling style but Axel is such a strange case that I had to make exceptions. Do not practice these techniques at home. Guys should not need seducing. He should be counting his lucky stars if he has the honour of getting with you.) And we had both agreed that we would see each other on Thursday. It would have been no problem, if I didn't get so drunk. At 1am, we head to the club, and the bouncers would not let me in.

Jack has been really good to me since we first met in September. Jack offered to walk me home.
Over the last month, we had been getting closer, and he would always talk to me about Axel problems.

Black out.

I wake up disoriented.

Sweet, I'm in Axel's room.
Wait.
I'm fully clothed. And Axel is not here. Omg. I slept here without him...

I check my phone. Lots of messages from Cruella:

dude have fucking fun

super not chill at all 

Jack walking me home. Man, she is cray. 

I check the guest room, and sure enough, Axel crashed there. I was so embarrassed. I went to wake up Jack. He was surprised to see me. Actually it was more than that, he seemed a bit thrown off. I get into his bed, and asked him what happened last night, and tell him that I woke up in Axel's. He told me that he walked me to his house, and I insisted on staying. When he went back to the club, it was too late, and the bouncers wouldn't let him in.

So I left Jack's room, and I kind of got angry, mostly out of embarrassment, and made Axel talk to me. He was just coming out of the shower now so he was in no mood, but we talked. He didn't say much. It was mostly me talking. The conversation can be summed up in this short dialogue:
Why are you like that? We are at least friends. You could be nice.
I'm sour, because I don't want to give you the wrong idea. 

I left upset. Jack texted me asking how it went. I told him, not ideal. I was hurt. This is someone I genuinely liked. It felt like a mini breakup.

...

Fast forward: We are back from the holidays. Axel has been sick, so he's been staying in, and I've yet to see him. We went out on Tuesday night. When Jack and I were alone for a minute, I asked him if I did anything stupid that time I blacked out. He said, kind of. He said him and I made out. I was in shock. I kept asking questions. It turns out we made out outside the house. Then we came inside. So how did I end up in Axel's bed?

I felt so awful for Axel, so I sent you there. I didn't know what was going on with you and him.
But you do now?
What?
Nothing.

And he kissed me. But really kissed me with his hand firmly placed on the back of my head. We heard voices so we broke apart.

Yesterday we all went out again. Once I found out that Jack and I kissed, I saw him completely differently. To be honest, it makes a lot of sense.

We all went out again yesterday. Jack and I flirt a bit, but mostly try not to talk too much. It's hard to read him, and me I suppose, since we're both trying our hardest to pretend nothing is there. He can't let Axel find out (guilt), and I can't let Cruella find out (fear for my life), so it's 100% confidential.

We hung out at their house until pretty late. Only two of the Scottish guys remained, when Jack and I went upstairs. I suppose we took a risk there. We went to Jack's room. I figured we were going to talk about our last kiss. Maybe he'd say something about how it was dumb, and one time thing. I started talking along those lines, but as soon as the door shut behind us, he kissed me. Then he really kissed me. Then he fingered me. And next thing I know we're having sex. Really good sex, to be honest. Unexpected and scandalous and amazing sex.

Afterwards, we cuddled for a minute. He was guilt-ridden. He was talking about Axel. Then he looked at me and said, But I can't help myself. And kissed me again. I left his place at 4 am.

If anyone finds out, we're both screwed. I have no idea if that was a one time thing. I know it should be, but I just don't know what we're thinking. I can't ever sleep there, and he can't sleep here. I can't ever hold his hand in public or dance with him or anything anymore. And Cruella's been suspicious for a while already. Now I realize it was for good reason. Realistically, there will be very few opportunities for him and I. Meanwhile, I have to listen to Cruella go on for hours about how he said hi to her last night so maybe, just maybe, he likes her now. Move on, girl. *face palm*.

Ps. Still crazy about Ginger. I think about him always, even though I'm trying not to <3